Friday, May 6, 2011

My Top 10 Best Kinds of Anti-Jokes

This list is in no particular order and was NOT stolen from another individual. Copyright Infringement will not be tolerated and all property goes to Steven Chung....AH SCREW IT! I don't what you want. :) 

- Blog #25: I was introduced to Anti-Jokes a few days ago and I couldn't help but laugh at the best that stupidity had to offer. Sometimes the best things in life come from the worst things. The question is how we make the best of it. These are examples of making the worst out of it, but making them seem more...tolerable. Anyway, philosophical stuff aside, some of these lines are damn funny. Not all of them are for the faint of heart. If you've never heard of Anti-Jokes, prepare to be amused. These are my favorites.

1. The Bar Jokes:

- A horse walked into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. Realizing how strange this occurrence was, the bartender immediately calls the local news station and tells them there is a talking horse in his place of business and it would be in their best interest to come do a story on it, because the likelihood of them finding another story of this magnitude is quite slim.    

- There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example example of an integrated community. 

- A man walks into a bar. Except it was a metal bar, like a pole. So, he got hurt.  

- A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because it's a duck.

- A priest, a minister, and a Rabbi all walk into a bar. Bars serve people of all religions. 


- An Irishman walks out of a bar.   

- How many Jews does it take to change a light-bulb?: Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the ladder so the first man won't fall and hurt himself.

- So a Hispanic, African American, Jew, and Asian man were walking down the street. They were involved in a parade that celebrated racial equality.

- A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy are stranded in the middle of the desert. After many days of not finding food, water, or shelter, they contemplate cannibalism to survive, but they can't decide who to eat. The Mexican dies first for an unrelated reason.   

- A Muslim walked into a bomb shop. Turns out he was in the wrong store. So, he left and went on with his day.

3. Celebrity Jokes:

- What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?: "Get in the car."

- Why can't Michael J. Fox draw a perfect circle?: Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human being.

- If Chuck Norris has $5 and you have $5, you both have the same amount of money.

- "Is this the Krusty Krab?": No, this is Patrick.

- Mel Gibson is awoken by the ringing of his telephone. He proceeds to have a nice conversation with his wife.

4. Blondes...we love you. Now...please look away:

- How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?: Generally one, but as the situation varies, so does the number. 

- How do you kill a blonde?: Well there are many ways, but all of which are wrong because murder is illegal.

- A blonde walks into a hairdresser's salon. She gets her hair cut.

- Why was the blonde staring at the juice carton?: She was trying to read the nutrition and had forgotten her reading glasses.

- A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are driving in a car. They're on their way to the mall, or something.

5. Blacks...we love you. Now...please don't beat me up:

- What do you call a black guy driving a plane?: A pilot.

- Why doesn't the black man have a job?: He's working on his masters degree.

- What do you call a black man with no arms or legs sitting on a porch?: "Sir." His life is hard enough without being subject to social rudeness. 

- A black guy walked into a convenience store. He found what he wanted and paid with his credit card.

- How did the black man cross the Atlantic?: He did not. He drowned.

6. "Ooooohhhhhhhhhh...eeeehhhhhhhh":

- How do you fit an elephant inside your car?: Starve it to death, then chop it in pieces.

- Why did the boy drop his ice-cream?: Because he was hit by a bus.

- How do you make a plumber cry?: You kill his family. 

- How many dead babies can you fit in a bathtub?: 17.

- How did the fat guy survive the air-crash?: He didn't. He died like everyone else.

7. Literal-Mania:

- What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?: "Where's my tractor?"

- What is red and smells like blue paint?: Red paint.

- Why was six afraid of seven?: It wasn't. Numbers are not sentiment and thus are incapable of feeling fear.

- What's brown and sticky?: A stick.

- What is a vampire's favorite dessert?: Vampires aren't real.

8. Knock-Knock...will you just open the damn door! 

- "Knock Knock."
  "Who's there?"
  "Dave who?"
   Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the    point where she can no longer remember him. 

- "Knock Knock."
  "Who's there?"
  "The police. Your entire family died in a car accident."

- "Knock Knock."
  "Who's there?"
  "I don't know anybody by that name. Go away."

- "Knock Knock."
  "Who's there?"
  "Steve Jensen."
  "Oh, hi Steve! Come on in!"

- "Knock Knock." 
  "There's a f*ckin' doorbell. Use it!"

9. Religion...I follow the ways of humor:

- What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?: The Holocaust. 

- Why do Christians believe in God?: Because believing in God is fundamental in their belief system; if they did not believe in God, they simply wouldn't be Christians. Muslims are in a similar predicament.

- Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?: Tax evasion.

- A Christian asks God why there is so much pain and suffering in the world. God does not answer.

- A Christian and an Atheist are in a bar, and the christian says "If you don't believe in God, you will go to hell." The atheist replies, "If there was a benevolent supreme being, logic dictates that there would be proof of his existence other than a 2,000 year old book." They agree to set aside their petty differences and get on with their lives.

10. Potpourri:

- What's green and has wheels?: Grass. I lied about the wheels.

- Haikus are easy,
  But sometimes they don't make sense

- I have a friend who is blind. So, I don't think there's any point in writing a joke on here.

- Roses are red.
  Violets are blue.
  I have a gun.
  Get in the van.

- What's worse than finding a repeated joke on "Anti-Joke?": Finding a real joke on "Anti-Joke."

- Done.  

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